I am Stating My State

Should I HOLD ON or should I MOVE ON? I guess frequent question being asked by people who were deeply hurt. If you would pose this to somebody, she would answer you subjectively depending upon the situation. I have tried to ask this question to my friends for couple of times. They would give me the answer of moving on instead of holding back. I guess they have arrived on that decision because they recognize how I have been through for the past 6 months. Yes it is already 6 months since my heart got broken. And, I must admit, up until now, I am still hurting.

I am TRAPPED by my current state. My MIND says that I should move on. I was deeply hurt. Must have been fate that I do not deserve as what they say. People are hauling me towards new life; a life without my past; a life that is totally new. They said that enough is enough. What happened serves as a period for my past relationship, a lesson for a better me and a gate pass for my future relationship. Indeed, all of what they are saying is true. Maybe I should move on. I should give up this powerful feeling that I have for my past. It will do no good anymore and I will surely get hurt again. Besides, after all the pain that I have been through, it’s not fair for me to go back and disregard my attempts to move on. Enough reasons to carry on as I chose the path of pursuing my life without the person. Yes, it is not apposite to continue the relationship because it is TOO LATE to make up and TOO PAINFUL to forget painful experiences entirely.

As I try to go on, I realized that I am fooling myself. I am convincing myself that I have given up and I am moving on. Yes, I am telling everyone that I chose to live without the person and I am trying so hard to make myself okay. But then I realized that I am holding on to a fist of HATRED over what happened and ANGER towards the person who broke my heart. I am inspired to make a better me. I am motivated to bring out a change so that I can prove that I am BETTER OFF without the person.

For a while it ran that way. A lot of CHANGES became visible. Some people whom I bumped along the way say that I am different from what I used to be. I do not know if they mean that I am better or I became worst. Whatever meaning they want to entail, I am satisfied because indeed, there was a change in me. I continued on the way that I thought will help me move on. Until such time that I realized that I am getting tired. I do not know where it came from. It’s as if there is a part in my heart that speaks of tiredness over what I am doing. Why is it had to be in that way? If my gestures were normal for a person who is COPING UP for a loss of a loved one, then why is it that at some point, I felt tired? I felt that it was a struggle for me; somewhat, to satisfy people and of course, myself.

I processed everything. What went wrong? What part of my moving on made me tired? I have realized that it is the hatred and anger that I am holding on. During a retreat that I have attended last month, the retreat master of mine said that “let go of the anger and the hatred, it’s what keeps you from being stocked.” Maybe he is right. I cannot say that I am allowing myself to fully move on, because I still holding the grudge over the person. I am trying to change myself so that I can prove to that person that I can go on my own. In simpler words, I am doing this for the person and not for myself. So, this might be the reason why I got tired. Right there and then I changed my track. Why not let go of the grudge? It will do no harm anyway? So I did. I allowed myself to forgive; something that I am preventing myself because I am offended much. I have forgiven the person and for quite some time, I held no hard feelings at all.

Now I am seeing a clearer path. I guess I am really taking no hold of the relationship anymore. I am simply allowing myself to be healed and get back on my feet.

Unfortunately, along the way I found myself caught up with a further problem. I have forgiven the person. I let go of the grudge. But as I try to clear my heart from pain, love is again filling it up. My feeling for the person inhabits the spacious space of my heart making me in love with the person once more. This is a BIGGER problem right? I am again, falling in love with the person and I found myself longing again. And what’s worst is the thought of going back to prolong the already concluded relationship pinches my mind. I have the feeling that I will be happy when I give US a second chance and my lost heart will find its home again.

This is my CURRENT STATE which I am STATING TO YOU, my patient reader. I hope I could resolve this problem same as I did on the first. If you think you have a helpful suggestion, please feel free to share it with me and others who can relate as well. In times like this, I admit I am no one, I cannot go one alone and I desperately need your help. Thank you very much for allotting time for this blog. ‘til next time….


-Musica